guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
