i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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