I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Found the puke drawer
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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