I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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