forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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