i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
