My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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