Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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