my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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