I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
