She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
