I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
