She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
