I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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