I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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