she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
