I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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