When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
