I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
