if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
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I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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