Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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