im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
