My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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