I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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