There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
