need another drink. this is the easiest way
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
