I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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