I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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