We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
