life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
