true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
