i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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