If that was your dad, he is hot
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
