There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
