I cannot find my penis.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
