I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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