I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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