I puked a lego.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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