Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
