theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
