You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
