Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
