i jhust puked up my retainher.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
