did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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