so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.