I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.