I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now