Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
