You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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