guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
