There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
