Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
