Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This toilet bowl is my home.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
