She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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