Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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