seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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