I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
