I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
