I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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