maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
