Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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