From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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