i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
