i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
