I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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