I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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